The Superhero

Ummm... so I guess I'm graduating.. or something... today?

Weird.

I don't really know how to start this.

I'm becoming an adult. Like, a real adult. As in finding a real job, having a real relationship, getting a real degree (even if it is in theatre).

I've grown a lot in the past few months. Or year, even, since it's the start of a new one and all. I've had many, many, many, many jobs (as I'm reminded of with all my W-2's coming for tax time). I bought a new car and took out a loan. Got my first credit card. That was weird, lemme tell you.

I'm graudating this spring. A year early, no less. It's both thrilling and terrifying that I have to actually become an adult in five short months. I've started looking for jobs, event planner mostly, but I'm keeping an ear to the entertainment industry to see if anything sparks my interest. I have no idea what i want to do in life. That scares the hell out of me. What did I pay all this money for, if I can't do anything with the goddamn degree?

Anywho, let's recap. Significant things I've done in my life since this time last year:
~Dated Mike. However briefly.
~Started working at CorrPros. As much of a joke I think it is now, it has been a very, very significant part of my life the past year. It's been a major source of income, first and foremost. It helped me discover and hone previously unknown secretarial and office managing skills, among other things. It lead to a sordid affair with a married man. It lead to several other jobs and opportunities. And it helped me understand a little more about the industry I hope to become involved in sometime in the future: wedding planning.
~Bought a car. Have a large loan out in my name.
~Designed my first non-CRT show, however amateur it may have been.
~Designed my first CRT show, my little D-series that I was semi-proud of.
~Began working at Mohegan Sun, which will hopefully open the door for many more opportunities. It also lead to my next point.
~Met Chris. More about him later.
~Bought a MacBook.
~Got a new roommate.
~Began teaching high school. Learned that I don't enjoy teaching and I'm not organized enough for it.

I guess that's a pretty comprehensive list. That's a lot of pretty significant events in one year. For me, anyway, other people may or may not agree.

More on Chris. I like him. I may even love him. We met at Mohegan over the summer, but we didn't start dating until November after he broke up with his girlfriend and I put my foot down on the married guy situation and ended it. We meshed really well together. We both were goofy and silly and loved to laugh and be affectionate and spend time together. I love that he lets me be me.

You know what? I suddenly lost the energy for this entry. It was supposed to be some big long thing about my insecurities with my relationship with Chris, but I don't have the heart or the presence of mind to write it out. Perhaps some other time.

The Soundtrack to Your Life Survey:
Make a soundtrack for your life, matching songs with the following:

Opening song: Are You In - Incubus

Waking up: Sunrise - Norah Jones

First date: Clarity - John Mayer

First kiss: The Nearness of You - Norah Jones

Falling in love: A Message - Coldplay

Seeing an old love: Comfortable - John Mayer

Heartbreak: Unrequited - Ani Difranco

Driving fast: Animals - Nickelback

Getting ready to go out: Sexy Back (Dean Coleman Vocal Remix) - Justin Timberlake

Partying with friends: Big Love - Peter Heller

Dancing at a club: Discoteka - Starkillers

Flirting: As Lovers Go - Dashboard Confessional

Feeling sexy: Woman - Maroon 5

Having Sex: Turn Me On - Norah Jones

Walking alone in the rain: Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

Missing someone: I Miss You - Incubus, Painter Song - Norah Jones, Miles Apart - Yellowcard

Playing in the ocean: Aqueous Transmission - Incubus

Summer vacation: Summer Skin - Death Cab for Cutie

Fighting with someone: A Place for My Head - Linkin Park

Acting goofy with friends: Let Go - Garden State Soundtrack

Thinking back: Chocolate - Snow Patrol

Feeling depressed: Pardon Me - Incubus

Christmas time: Carol of the Bells - TransSiberian Orchestra

Falling asleep: See You Soon (acoustic) - Coldplay

Closing song: Joyful Girl - Ani Difranco

Everyone's back.

Nothing's changed, though. They've all still forgotten me it seems.

Super way to start the semester. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

And then... it all falls apart again.

I knew this would happen. Always does.


Figures.

Sometimes life just... falls into place.

I hate this fucking school and how they screw you over ALL THE TIME.

Fuck this game.

That's what I get for hanging out with 30somethings for months... I think I just witnessed a midlife crisis.

Regardless, I have a paper due in two and a half hours. But i have one of 2-3 pages written, so I'm not really that concerned.

Life's fucked up, ya know? I work with two of these really cool guys who appear to have everything materially and loving significant others and children, but a really miserable and depressed and are scared as shit for their impending children to be born. Which I guess the scared part is normal, so I hear. But it's fucked up. They're both on opposite ends of the spectrum, one has everything money can buy and it's his first kid with his wife and he's still scared shitless, and the other already has a kid and is pretty much destitute and is probably going to have his baby girl today, and he's miserable about the whole thing and scared shitless, because his girl is entirely indifferent to his presence. It's like no one can win. No matter how good you think you have it, or it appears on the outside, apparently it's just misery.

The whole thing is making me cynical about marriage and kids. I don't ever want to make a guy so miserable he stays at work till all hours just to avoid going home. But I also don't want to be so indifferent that the guy feels like he isn't wanted and seeks attention elsewhere.

The whole thing is making me think. Maybe I don't want kids after all. Not that I had really decided one way or the other. I dunno. Maybe adulthood really is just misery after you become really monogomous and that's just the way it is.

Wow. That's depressing.

Summer has been way crazy. I can't believe June is half-gone already. I've been working basically non-stop since finals ended, between driving back and forth to Boston for the show I designed, to working the office at CorrPros, to doing events for CorrPros, and even occasionally showing my face at Jorgensen (much against my better judgement), it's been a little hectic.

I've made it to MA I think twice, once for Memorial Day and once for my sister's birthday out on the Vineyard. I'm going again this weekend for Father's Day lobster. It's a tight fit, though, I have a job offer that Saturday night. It isn't paying but if I push a few cases I can go to the Room 960 party on Constitution plaza and drink on the promoter's tab all night. Decisions, decisions.

We've done two of our 15 weddings this summer already. I like doing those, though, I'm usually the camera person to follow the bride getting ready in the morning with all her bridesmaids. Better me than the big lug they used to have doing it. Much more girly when a girl is there instead.

I also just got a job at Mohegan Sun as an on-call stagehand. Basically overhire, but at $18.75 an hour who cares? They have something like 585 shows a year. Rock on.

We had a corrpros bbq last night at Troy's house. Good times, except it was me and all the 30something couples, and Rob's son Robbie. They're all talkin about kids and crap, and I'm like... hey, just turned 20, no thanks guys... But s'all good, it was a good time anyway. I also accidently stole the sweatshirt Troy let me borrow. Oops? Ah well.

I like my Women and Film class, mostly. The films are surprisingly interesting and good. Although today we're watching Rosemary's Baby, so I may slip out before that one and watch it on my own time...

Oh yeah, at CorrPros I've also taken on the task as Webmaster. So visit the site, gimme some pointers, and any bad grammar isn't my fault! CorrPros

I think that's all for now. Gotta go apply for a replacement social security card, as mine is MIA.

Worst night ever:

Leave Boston at 12.
Get lost for half an hour.
Finally find MassPike, only to pick a lane with no tickets, thus not recieving a ticket to pay toll, causing me to go through a Fast Lane in order to just recieve a ticket in the mail, as I don't have enough cash to pay for the lost ticket fee.
Then getting stuck in 2 mile traffic jam for over an hour.
Passing through various work zones going very very slowly.
All while singing loudly and off-key to keep myself from falling asleep.
And to top it off, I got a flat tire a mile from my house. I finished this wonderful evening by walking from my car at 195 to my house with my backpack of laptop and my laundry basket of clean clothes. In the dark. At 3 AM. All the while hoping I wouldn't get picked up by some stranger.


Fuck this GAME.

Whoda thunk that I would be on academic probation.. ever?

Fuck this game.

Wow, almost two years out of high school and yet I can't escape everything that happened.

Can't we all just let it go and move on?

Bah. I'm procrastinating doing a whole ton of work I've let pile up the past few weeks. Something like 6 papers, four Shakespeare plays, 3 contemporary plays, a lighting project, two 3D AutoCAD projects, and a whole bunch of other things to do, all by the end of the semester. Oh, and an exam on Thursday on the Shakespeare plays I haven't read. Whew. Seeing it all written out like that makes me more nervous.

Saturday I may be going skydiving with Adam, but it depends on the weather.

I'm also working lots of hours at Corrpros, but I love doing it so that's not a burden. I'm not working with Kirk anymore in order to work more at Corrpros, but whatevs. I should really be doing work and not sitting here listing all the work I have to do.

Bah.

So I'm going to be a lemming and do a Johari

and a Nohari

Stolen from Bbanks.

My job tonight consisted of watching a man clean a sewage treatment plant, care for turkeys, and sort potoatoes (Dirty Jobs on Discovery), watching a man jump over a moving train and do a backwards flip in an ATV, and watching a different man skydive from one plan to another without a parachute (some other show on Discovery) Then, also at my job, I set 100 mousetraps (well, 50 myself, 100 total), setting said mousetraps on the ground for someone to walk through blindfolded, and holding a rope across the edge of the stage so said blindfolded individuals didn't fall off the edge of the stage. In addition to all this frivolity, I played Marco Polo on stage with my fellow coworkers with said blindfold. Between all these events I watch the three most hilarious men on the planet do some pretty amazing improv, and did sudokus. After all of that, I had a mousetrap throwing fight with my coworkers, as well as set several in hiding places throughout my place of work for my boss to find on Monday morning.

Did I mention that I got paid for all of this galavanting?

Did I also mention I have the best job ever?

Beware, UConn, the Mousetrap Bandits are mobilizing...

I.. just.. wow.
There are no ( words. )
Just. Wow. Get a life.



"I want you to always remember for me
Baby, if you can
How much you hated the woman
Who made you a man

And remember for me won't you
Back further before that
How you loved her like a boy
Cried from the joy
When you weren't laughing."
-Ani Difranco

Le sigh. Life marches on.

Dianne Sampson, my mother's best friend and a second mother to me, succumbed to her breast cancer the day after Christmas. She's been in a coma since Thanksgiving. I'm happy that she's no longer suffering and in a better place, and have been preparing for this for awhile, but I feel so sad for my mother. Dianne was her one good friend, the only one she's had in years, for 10 years. The funeral is Friday morning, and the wake is tomorrow night, so I'm going home for awhile for my mother.

If I seem out of it for the next few days, forgive me. I wish you would be there for me, but you're too self-absorbed to even notice, huh?

I feel so alone.

Another reason to hate being in Marshfield:

I'm cold in my parents' house. ALL THE TIME. I don't understand this. It's 6 degrees warmer than I ever make my house, and yet I'm always freezing. I don't have this problem in my house. Hrmph.

And all I do in Marshfield is sit at home. No one is around, at least no one I care to hang out with, and those I do I can't seem to get in touch with. All the more reason to call my house home and not this house any more. It's weird. I keep confusing myself with what I call 'home'. Really I don't know if either place feels like it, but to choose between the two would be CT.

I've had a lot of self-realization these past few months, both in my career and in my personal life.

I don't want to do lighting design anymore. Or rather, I don't want to do theatrical lighting design. I want to get into concert lighting and moving light systems. I think they're far more interesting and creative than anything the theatre would allow. I'm trying my damnedest to graduate in three years total, and I may be able to do it. Not to mention it will save me $20,000 in tuition if I pull it off.

Working at Upper Jorg has helped me to learn about the industry and make connections in the business. Last night I went and had a sort of training session with this guy Rob who owns his own production company (events, parties, weddings, etc) and I see this as a perfect opportunity to learn the basics and make connections. I'm completely psyched about it, more excited than I ever was about conventional stationary lighting. He plans on hiring me and John S and Adam to send out on shows and such. I finally feel like I'm moving forward with this and I feel like this is more useful than the damned expensive education I'm getting. Sad, I know. Whatevs.

In my personal life I still pine for what I know I can't have. I also see all the reasonings behind why I shouldn't want it, but that makes no difference. Heart and mind are not one in the same, and neither can talk sense into the other. I break my own heart every day with these torturous thoughts and feelings and thie friendship from which I want so much more but know I don't deserve for whatever reason. I hate this inner turmoil, knowing that what you feel is wrong. It isn't fair. I feel so unimportant and like I mean so little in this friendship that I can merely be brushed aside or that whenever I have a problem it isn't that important. I HATE that feeling, I hate being made to feel like that, I hate this person for doing this to me, and most of all I hate myself for LETTING this be done to me. Why are girls so stupid?! I want to feel important, like I matter, because I do. Damnit.

Along the same line, I realize and accept that I don't need a relationship with another person to be complete, I'm complete already. But at the same time, I want someone around me to challenge me and comfort me and give me a safe haven from the world and from myself. I want someone to care about me, care what happens to me, care how I feel. I want someone to care for, to lavish attention upon, to support and encourage and listen to and have it mean something to them, rather than be brushed off.

Wow, this entry turned into something way different than I anticipated. Whatever, that's what livejournal is about, right? Pour your heart out so you don't actually have to consciously open yourself up to any one person, but yet still put it out there to hopefully reach the ones it should. Cowardly, I've been told, not to just open up and tell whomever it is whatever you'd like. So I guess I'm a coward. Or I understand the consequence of telling the truth and I'm not willing to accept it, the loss of a friendship over these uncontrollable feelings. I value the friendship more than getting this off my chest.

But maybe you'll never understand that. Since you don't really seem to understand, or appreciate, me in the first place.

Whatevs.

"It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to."
-Henry Rollins

"They say true love only comes around once and you have to hold out and be strong until then. I have been waiting. I have been searching. I am a man under the moon, walking the streets of earth until dawn. There's got to be someone for me. It's not too much to ask. Just someone to be with. Someone to love. Someone to give everything to. Someone."
-Henry Rollins

You say you LOVE Musical Theater/Broadway? Let’s see how much. Next to each show put one of the following.
* (X) If you have heard of the show
* (CD) If you own/listen to the CD/Cassette
* (LIB) If you own the libretto
* (SEEN) If you have seen the show (Professional, Community Theater, etc) If you’ve seen it more than once write the number after SEEN
* ("Your Part") If you have been in it (put your particular part)
* ("Song") If you have sung something from the show in a recital, revue, etc.
* (WORKED) If you worked on the show somehow.

Leave it BLANK if none of the options apply. If you notice one is missing from list, add it! :)


1776:(X)
42nd Street: (X)
A Chorus Line: (X)
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum: (CD)
A Little Night Music:
Aida: (CD)
All Shook Up:
Allegro:
Altar Boyz:
Annie Get Your Gun: (WORKED)
Annie: (SEEN)
Anything Goes: (X)
Aspects of Love:
Assassins: (X)
Avenue Q: (CD)
Barnum:
Beauty and the Beast: (WORKED, SEEN)
Big: (X)
Blast: (X)
Bombay Dreams:
Brigadoon: (X)
Bye Bye Birdie: ((X)
Cabaret: (CD)
Camelot: (X)
Carousel: (X)
Cats: (SEEN, CD)
Celebration:
Chess: (X)
Chicago: (CD)
Children of Eden: (CD)
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: (X)
Cinderella: (SEEN)
Company: (X)
Contact:
Damn Yankees: (X)
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels: (CD)
Dreamgirls:
Evita: (X)
Falsettoland:(WORKED, CD)
Fame: (X)
Fiddler on the Roof: (X)
Flora the Red Menace:
Flower Drum Song:
Follies: (X)
Footloose: (SEEN)
Forbidden Broadway: (X)
Fosse: (X)
Godspell: (SEEN, CD)
Grease: (SEEN, CD)
Guys and Dolls: (WORKED)
Gypsy: (X)
Hair: (X)
Hairspray: (CD)
Hedwig and the Angry Inch: (X)
Hello Dolly: (X)
High Society:
How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying: (X)
I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change: (X)
In My Life:
Into the Woods: (ASST. DESIGNED)
Irene:
It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman: (X)
Jekyll and Hyde: (X)
Jersey Boys:(X)
Jesus Christ Superstar: (X)
Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat: (X)
Kiss Me Kate: (X)
Kiss of the Spiderwoman: (X)
La Boheme: (X)
La Cage Aux Folles: (X)
Les Miserables: (X)
Lestat: (X) It isn't out yet, how could you have seen it or have the CD?
Little Shop of Horrors: (X)
Little Women: (CD)
Loot:
Mame: (X)
Mamma Mia: (X)
Man of La Mancha: (X)
March of the Falsettos: (WORKED, CD)
Me and My Girl:
Miss Saigon: (X)
Movin’ Out: (X)
My Fair Lady: (X)
Nine: (CD)
No, No Nanette: (X)
Nunsense: (X)
Of Thee I Sing:
Oklahoma: (X)
Oliver!: (X)
On a Clear Day You Can See Forever:
On the Town: (X)
Once On This Island: (X)
Once Upon a Mattress: (WORKED, CD)
Parade: (X)
Peter Pan: (WORKED)
Pippin: (X)
Ragtime: (X)
Rent (not the movie): (SEEN, CD)
Ring of Fire:
Riverdance: (X)
Rocky Horror Show: (X)
Ruthless!:
Saturday Night Fever: (X)
Seussical: (X)
She Loves Me: (X)
Showboat: (X)
Sideshow: (X)
Smokey Joe’s Cafe: (X)
Some Like It Hot: (SEEN)
Songs For a New World:
South Pacific: (X)
Spamalot: (X)
Stomp: (X)
Sunday in the Park With George: (X)
Sunset Blvd: (X)
Sweeney Todd: (X)
Sweet Smell of Success:
Swing: (X)
Taboo:
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee: (X)
The Baker’s Wife :
The Boy From Oz: (X)
The Color Purple:
The Fantasticks: (X)
The Full Monty: (CD)
The King and I: (X)
The Last Five Years:
The Light in the Piazza: (CD)
The Lion King: (X)
The Most Happy Fella:
The Music Man: (SEEN)
The Pajama Game: (SEEN)
The Phantom of the Opera: (SEEN)
The Pirates of Penzance (Joe Papp version): (X)
The Producers: (CD)
The Robber Bridegroom:
The Scarlet Pimpernel:
The Secret Garden: (X)
The Sound of Music: (SEEN)
The Threepenny Opera: (X)
The Who’s Tommy: (X)
The Wild Party:
The Wiz: (X)
The Wizard of Oz: (X)
The Woman in White: (CD)
Thoroughly Modern Millie: (X)
Tick Tick Boom: (SEEN)
Titanic: (X)
Triumph of Love:
Urinetown: (CD)
Victor/Victoria: (X)
West Side Story: (X)
Wicked: (SEEN, CD)
Wonderful Town: (X)
Working: (X)
You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown: (X)

In a summary of 2005, go back and look up the first few sentences of your first entry of each month.

Twas a good weekend.
I can't sleep.
If this spring break doesn't end soon, you may find my body thrown out a second story window.
If it weren't for the drama, we'd just be theatre kids...
I got another job for the summer!
I haven't written in.. a really long time.
Tim and I are good; he got a job working as a veterinary assistant, however that's spelled, in addition to PetSmart.
I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy.
Tim dumped me.
I don't know how I feel. Maybe he is just a rebound from Tim. I don't think he likes me very much.
Yeah... procrastinating writing a few papers.